Thursday, June 16, 2011

Epic Retail Sagas, Part II

Yup, here we go again...  Yet another charming story of my old college job working at a discount department store in North Scottsdale.  Like I said in the introduction to my previous poetic tale, a huge portion of the craziest, grossest things I've ever seen in my life went down at this one little store.  I have no way to explain it.  Sometimes I used to wonder if Scottsdale had a full moon every freakin' night.

I used to run the customer service desk at the front of the store, so I would have a bird's-eye view of everything that went down at any of the cash registers.  There was many a day that I witnessed something that made me wish I'd just stayed home.  Tonight's selection is a true account of one such horrifying incident...

Gather 'round, gather 'round,
And I'll tell you a story.
About some messed up shit,
That belongs on Springer or Maury...

You see back in the day,
I worked in a store.
Where people would shoplift,
And shoplift some more.

We were in a nice part of town,
I've never understood,
Why so many shoppers
Were up to no good.

But we'd never get angry,
And we'd never act pained.
Because this plethora of shoplifters
Kept us well entertained!

It was just like a game,
Of skill, luck and wit.
We'd try to catch them
While they stole our shit.

One cashier named Manny,
Was sort of our ace.
He loved to catch people
And get in their face.

He'd spot pilfered items.
He had an eye for switched tags.
And when people bought luggage,
He'd root through those bags.

See, items hidden in luggage
Are tough to see or feel.
And that makes buying luggage
A great way to steal!

Well one day two old ladies
Approached the front of the store
Looking to check out with luggage
And a few items more.

"I'm open here," said Manny,
I'll check you out quick!"
But if he caught them stealing,
He'd act like a dick.

He scanned what they bought,
Opened that luggage up wide,
And he must've seen something,
For he reached up inside...

"Oh gosh ladies, what's this?"
He asked with a smirk,
Obviously preparing
To act like a jerk.

He pulled out his hand
And waved it in the air
Grinning from ear to ear...
Until he saw what was there.

Three used tampons,
Or possibly four.
But my memory is hazy:
There could've been more.

With Manny's hand in the air,
Time seemed to freeze.
Then he realized what had happened
And dropped to his knees.

I knew that I had to do something
And do it right quick
So I handed him the trash can
So he could be sick.

The poor old ladies stood there
In a shocked sort of silence,
Watching Manny engage
In intestinal violence

I looked at their luggage,
Then looked them in the eye,
And asked if the luggage was something
That they still wanted to buy.

One of the old ladies gagged,
When she heard what I said.
They didn't say a word,
And out the door they fled.

I picked up the suitcase
And took it out the back door
While Manny still lay there
Sick on the floor.

Manny went home that afternoon,
I'm surprised he ever came back.
But now when people buy luggage
He cuts them some slack.

If you're wondering how this happened,
Then there's something you should learn.
When there's something that nasty in a store,
It probably came back as a return.

You see, people do gross things
When they take merchandise home.
Then they bring it all back
And what they did isn't known.

I can tell you this is fact,
For I've seen it myself.
There are some nasty, nasty items
That make it back onto the shelf.

It could happen to anyone,
So best open your eyes.
'Lest you be the recipient
Of a suitcase surprise.


*Names have been changed to protect the innocent.  

**For the love of all that is holy, if you know what store I'm talking about don't name it.  They'll probably sue my ass off, and nobody will ever shake hands with "Manny" again for as long as the poor guy lives.


  1. So what's the lesson here ?? Wear rubber gloves while working retail ??

  2. Wow... is that all ya got?? :p

  3. You are too funny!! I can see a book in your future...all about the "fun" side of retail sales. I was in Security for Dillard's a while back and it was a HOOT!

    Keep certainly have something to say.