Tuesday, June 7, 2011

I'm a rhinoceros.

I have something of an interesting nickname.  A significant number of my friends refer to me as "Rhino."  Sometimes I'll even refer to myself as a rhinoceros.  I'm not nuts, I promise.  But there is a story behind it.  A story that harks back to the days when the internet was young and new, when Facebook was not yet invading every aspect of our private lives, when AOL was the most popular ISP in the world...  And when internet chat rooms offered nigh-total anonymity.

In the early days of internet chat, many rooms were HTML-based and had no set "login" feature.  One would simply type in whatever chat handle they desired and click Enter.  Voila!  You could select any handle at any time, which was a veritable bonanza to the seemingly endless litany of cranks and weirdos in cyberspace.  (No, I'm not one of them.  I thought I already covered this...  Please stop thinking it.)

Those early days were amazing.  One would encounter super models and billionaires on a daily basis, in almost every room you entered.  I met the likes of Bill Gates, Carmen Elektra, and Michael Jordan on multiple occasions...  Although strangely enough, they wouldn't seem to remember me from meeting to meeting.  How odd.

Naturally, I knew that these people were fake.  Anyone with a brain knew that these people were fake.  Sure, there were quite a few of them...  But, mostly, they would simply blend into the background chat-noise and be forgotten.  I say "mostly," because there were a few amongst them who refused to blend.  A few obnoxious, phony jerk-offs who were so utterly, flamboyantly offensive that they could coach a snarl from the lips of the most stoic chatter.  These elites, when encountered, would clear out entire rooms.  They seemed to seek out chatrooms that lacked moderation or an ignore feature, and once such a room was located they would troll it up, luring people in with their phony online persona.  Some were dudes pretending to be chicks.  Some were nobodies pretending to be celebrities.  Some would pretend to be foreign dignitaries.  Some would pretend to be law enforcement.  And one epic jackass that I encountered apparently had his little heart set on pretending to be everything in the world all at once.

This gentleman was one of the most annoying folks I've ever run into online.  He claimed to be a multimillionaire with the body of a god and the endowment of a porn star.  He had fifteen doctorate degrees, a hundred cars, an IQ in the upper 300's...  And he presented it all in a manner reminiscent of a head-on collision between two florescent-colored semi trucks carrying over-sized loads of live peacocks.  He puked out flamboyant lies with a speed and efficiency that would've been dazzling had it not made me want to bash my head against my desk.  If this dude had been a Transformer, (which he may or may not have also claimed to be- it gets tough to remember his full shtick in all its trollish glory) his name would've been Doucheimus Prime.

Eventually I grew tired of his obnoxious routine so, cribbing from a famous internet chat prankster named Bloodninja, (Google the name if you don't know who I'm talking about - it's hilarious) I typed the words that were to create my future moniker: "Hi...  I'm a rhinoceros."

A few people laughed, but King D-Bag went immediately on the defensive.  He asked what I meant... 

I told him that I was a 2000 pound herbivore who liked to eat hay. 

He tried to ignore me, and started to launch into another imaginary story about his cars/money/girlfriends/etc... 

I countered with a long rant about how tough it is to type when you have big, flat rhino feet.

He told someone that he could bench-press 900 pounds...

I announced that I had solved my typing problem by perching my laptop on a rock in my pen and pressing keys with a chopstick held between my teeth. 

He started telling someone about an imaginary date with a celebrity... 

I told someone else about my latest wallow in the mud. 

He eventually started to get mad, and told me that I was jealous because his life was perfect... 

I told him that he couldn't possibly be that great, because nobody would buy a ticket to sit and watch HIM eat a bale of hay.

We went on like this for a while, and it was tons of fun.  I'd counter every lying, douchey thing he said with a rhinoceros-related comment, and, when he really started to lose his cool, I began speaking only in rhinoceros onomatopoeia...  Which mostly consisted of variations on the word "snort."  Know why that can get annoying?  Because SNORT! SNORTITY SNORT snort-snort SNORT!  ...Gruuuuuuunt SNORT!  Snort-SNORT?  SNOOOOOOORT!!!  You get what I'm saying?

Eventually he gave up and left, and he never came back...  But that's when I discovered the problem.  My rhinoceros persona, it seemed, had stuck.

A day or so later, I was riding in the car with my then-girlfriend when, out of the blue, I turned to her and said, "Hi, I'm a rhinoceros!"  She looked at me like I was crazy, (which I clearly am not) but I carried on, blurting out rhinoceros-related opinions on everything we encountered.  Things like "rhinos don't shop at 'Bed, Bath and Beyond,'" or "rhinos LIKE pie!"  After watching "The Fellowship of the Ring," I announced that the first wizards had clearly been rhinos...  Because their conical hats were originally made to be worn on a horn.  It all went downhill from there.

Eventually some of the folks I knew started calling me "Rhino," and it just sort of stuck.  That was around 10 years ago, and it's lasted to this day.  It's my favorite nickname...  But then again, I'm named "Peter Johnson," so you can probably imagine some of the other things I've been called.

I have to admit: I'm still not sure about this entry.  I mean, this isn't exactly the most exciting topic in the whole world...  But it's late, and certain rhinos needed something to blog about before settling down in their paddock for the night.

(I swear I'm a normal, well-adjusted adult.  Really.)

...SNORT!!!

12 comments:

  1. I don't know that I've ever heard that story as a whole, Pete. Past You has the same sense of humor as Present Day You!

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  2. *laughing* I rather enjoyed this. My own online moniker (which, like yours, seems to have stuck pretty consistently)also has an unusual story, which granted can't hold a candle to yours.

    I also enjoy the fact that you have no idea who this is, but I know who you are as this links showed up in fb as we have a lot of mutual friends.

    *creep*

    :P

    oh, and
    grump.

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  3. Oh my God, my first stalker! Whatever shall I do?

    I'm actually quite flattered... But please try not to trample the bushes that grow beneath my windows. =P

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  4. You do know that the pathological liar skit has been perfected by both males AND females on SNL??

    I've encountered someone who claims to be bloodninja.... :O

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  5. On SNL maybe... But everyone knows that there aren't really any girls on the internet. =P

    And bloodninja's legend is such that he now has probably a million imitators of his own. Heck, I've been known to quote him ("I put on my robe and wizard hat...") on many an awkward occasion.

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  6. Never heard the tale, and I appreciate ya even more now.

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  7. "But everyone knows that there aren't really any girls on the internet."

    There aren't??? How embarassing!! Then what am I doing here!?!?

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  8. I've known your name for awhile now, and it never even dawned on me to tease you about it...Dickie.

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  9. @Dave: Thanks, brother! :D

    @Des: You're not really here! This is clearly a hallucination! :>

    @Zira: Yes, yes. Big Johnson, Stiff Peter, Big Stiff Peter Johnson, Dick-Dick... I've heard them all. :p

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  10. I put on my robe and wizard hat...

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  11. I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl. 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl. 2 Druid.

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