Single Man Survival Guide Part I: The Bachelor's Shopping List.

In case you didn't know, I'm an unmarried, 33 year-old man who can be incredibly antisocial at times and detests having roommates.  As such, over the years I've become something of an expert in the fine art of  living alone as a single man.  It was recently suggested to me by a friend that, since I had decided to take up word-puking (aka 'blogging') on the internet anyway, I might as well try to do something useful with myself and pass along those few bits of knowledge that have managed to lodge themselves in my cranium over the years...  And so, here we are.  This topic is far too large in scope to address in a single blog post, so I've decided to break it down into smaller chunks and sprinkle them in occasionally amongst my insipid ramblings.

For the convenience of my readers, (all two of them...  Hi mom!) I decided to write the first few posts in this series in the form of a shopping list that can be printed out and taken to the store.  Why?  Because men don't make lists.  We remember stuff.  Or at least we remember stuff until we get to the store...  At which point we forget stuff and pace the aisles in a state of grouchy fury, wracking our brains feverishly for our forgotten mental list and taking great pains to avoid the tampon aisle. So, without further ado...

Stuff to Buy Part One: Cooking and Cleaning, aka The Art of Domestic Bliss

Aluminum foil.  Yes, I know you read this and immediately thought "WTF Pete, have you lost your damn mind?!"  The words "aluminum foil" conjure up images of June Cleaver in a domestic little apron pulling a turkey from the oven...  But wait!  Do you enjoy doing dishes?  No?  Well guess what?  Aluminum foil precludes the need to do dishes.  EVER.  Do you have a plate?  Great!  Do you want to have to wash that plate after you use it?  Hell no!  So what do you do?  Wrap that thing in foil and grub out.  When you're done, just strip the foil off and chuck it in the trash.  The plate's still clean!  Freakin' amazing, right?  Well this next part will really blow your mind: What if you, like many guys, don't actually own a plate?  Are you going to have to eat off of the counter?  No!  Not if you've got a flat, rigid item and a roll of Reynold's Wrap!  Frisbee?  Plate!  Book?  Plate!  Random chunk of cardboard?  Plate!  Having guests?  Trash can lid + foil = FANCY SERVING PLATTER.  Scratch this item off the list at your peril.

Paper towels.  You know all of those fancy cleaning products that you see on television?  Do you actually want to spend money on that crap?  Worse, could you look at yourself in the mirror after BUYING all of that crap?  Hell no.  A single man knows where his financial priorities lie: In a badass automobile, not a pile of Swiffers and Toilet Duck.  For any of the cleaning products that you see advertised on television, there is a perfectly adequate substitute...  And that substitute is invariably paper towels and water.  Wet paper towels pick up hairs, smear away shower scum, and take that nasty early-morning splash ring right off of the toilet.  Have a tile or linoleum floor?  Wet a wad of paper towels down, drop it on the floor, and push it around with your foot.  BOOM!  Instant Swiffer!  The only advantage that so-called "real" cleaning products have over wet paper towels is the fancy smell.  Well guess what?  Up next we have something that'll take care of that...

Febreeze!  Have you ever been leaving for a date only to be smacked with the sudden realization that your house/apartment/cave absolutely reeks?  What if the date goes really well, and she ends up back at your place?  Girls can overlook some things.  In fact, to an extent they practically expect single guys to live like animals...  But an overpowering stench lingering about your place will have much the same effect as a medieval chastity belt.  That's why some genius invented Febreeze.  Just soak your cave (liberally) with this stuff, and the pleasant aroma will linger on and on...  Sometimes for a whole day!  With Febreeze, some paper towels and a working faucet, you can keep your place as spotless as a cheap hotel.

Downy Wrinkle Releaser.  What's this, you ask?  Well let me tell you: If you're into looking good without doing laundry, this stuff is for you.  Imagine a magic spray bottle that would let you pick stuff up off of the floor, give it the sniff check, and then, if it passed, make it look clean and pressed.  That's what this stuff does!  You spray it on your clothes, (it's amazing on khaki pants) smooth them out, and the wrinkles mostly go away!  It's like a washing machine in a bottle.  But it gets better!  What if you don't have a garment that will pass the sniff test when you grab it off of the floor?  Are you going to have to be stinky all day?  NO!  Why?  Look at the previous item on the list, and then think for a moment.  Yes, that's right my friend: If you have bottle of Febreeze and a bottle of Wrinkle Releaser, then you've practically got your own dry-cleaner right there in your bedroom.

The Foreman Grill.  HELL yes.  Do I even need to explain this?  If you're like me, then your residence probably came with a big-ass boxy thing that gets hot when you mess with the dials on top of it.  Allegedly, this thing is for cooking.  WTF?  If you want to use this "oven," as I've heard it called, then you need all kinds of crazy accessories.  Stuff like pans, oven mitts, recipes...  Who has time for all of that crap?  And it gets worse from there.  You have to delve into the arcane cooking sciences and set the temperature, "pre-heat" the oven, stir things...  It's a time-consuming nightmare meant to keep you away from your X-Box.  The solution?  Big George Foreman and the manliest invention ever.  The Foreman Grill doesn't have a bunch of fancy knobs to mess with; You just plug it in and go!  It has one temperature setting: Hot!  It cooks things from both sides at once, so they get done faster than they do on some stupid stove.  Best of all?  It was primarily designed to cook meat, the holy grail of man foods.  If you've got a Foreman Grill, you're always 10 minutes away from steak.  Remember that! 

Hopefully these simple items will improve your quality of life and keep you from wasting time and money on useless, "civilized" housekeeping junk.  Remember, when it comes to single man living: Keep it quick, keep it simple, and never, EVER end up like this poor guy...