Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Requiem for a pie.

This past Sunday afternoon seemed unremarkable.  Across the country, Americans enjoyed the end of their weekend.  Naps were taken on couches.  Ballgames were watched.  Beers were sipped.  Lazy afternoon cookouts ran late into the evening.  Everything was normal in the American Heartland...


Or so it seemed.

For a great evil had been brewing within the foul bowels of corporate America for quite some time now.  A big, stinky pile of evil, directed squarely at the post innocent victim one could imagine:

Pie.  

That's right, ladies and gentlemen.  This past Sunday some corporate bigwig decided that America had enjoyed too much of a good thing for too long, and so they sent forth their vile minions to assault one of America's foremost purveyors of baked deliciousness: Marie Callender's.  In total, the winged-monkey shock troopers of America's corporate titans shuttered 31 Marie Callender's restaurants across the nation...  Including every single location in my own state of Arizona.  

To the uninitiated, my mixture of sorrow and anger at this incident might seem a bit over the top.  To anyone thinking such a thing, I offer up two points of information:

1.  Marie Callender's didn't just serve pie.  Oh no.  Anyone who has ever tasted one of their delicate little slices of perfection is immediately afflicted with a sense of peace and contentment that's tough to shake.  Rough day?  Pie makes it better.  Road rage?  Pie is the cure.  Countless millions across this great nation are semi-dependent upon Marie Callender's delicious pies as a coping mechanism.  I fully expect an immediate spike in the rates of violent crime, prescription drug addiction, and the screaming of obscenities across my state.

2.  Normally, using the term "winged-monkey shock troopers" in regards to a restaurant closing would be at least somewhat out of line.  However, if this article from the Orange County Register is to be believed, "the closures were so sudden, some diners were forced to leave while they were still eating."  Seriously?!  These jack-booted thugs couldn't even wait for grandma to finish her last few bites of Sunday brunch?  The company is in such dire straits that it can't afford a few extra seconds of air-conditioning to allow people to swallow?  Bullshit. 

That's the reason that corporate parent Perkins & Marie Callender's Inc. gave for the closures, incidentally: Financial difficulties resulting from the economic downturn.

Seriously?

Where is the government in all of this?  We can spend billions of taxpayer dollars bailing out two of the shittiest, worst-managed auto manufacturers on the planet, but we can't break off a few bucks to save a true icon of the lost American art of pie-crafting?  If our government can bail out Wall Street, can't they at least help Main Street out a little by giving us a chunk or two of delicious pie to munch on while we watch the world go to Hell in a hand-basket?  Does that sound like too much to ask?  I mean, come on: People have been going on and on about America's obesity epidemic for years now.  Well, if that's the case, then shouldn't the number one pie-maker in America be considered "too big to fail?"  Sometimes the world makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

R.I.P. Marie Callender's.  Au revoir, my delicious pies.  I'm off to dream a dream of Chocolate Satin pie...  

And revolution.


¡VIVA!


3 comments:

  1. Ok, now you must come to Ohio where Perkins still exist (not a single one closing). We will haz pie :) French chocolate silk or yummy muffins. Or I will send you one... but only if I get to shove your face in it ;)

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  2. I can't think of chocolate pie without thinking of the movie 'The Help'. Sorry.

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